Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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