Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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