Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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