I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
