I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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