Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
