I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
