We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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