I hate all girls vehemently.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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