The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
