She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
