I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
So squirting runs in the family.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think a kid would responsible me up
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
