Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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