I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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