I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
