don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
