I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
