i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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