So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
