is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
