I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
