i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize