Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
