So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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