I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
