Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
