just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
