community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
