My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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