I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
please don't ironically join a cult
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