happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
is it fun? or sober?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
