Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
