do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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