Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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