Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
