Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
