Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
