your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
