I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
