i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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