so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
