I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
