at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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