Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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