Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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