I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
