Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
