I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
