OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
