so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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