Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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