Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
