My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
