U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
