His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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