I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
