I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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