I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
