You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
