I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
