She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
