i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
