She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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