I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
