she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
