Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
