u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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