im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
