I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
