You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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