remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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